The Gateway Drug

I love getting high. I'm a thrill seeker. When I was a little girl, I would roll down hills and spin until I fell down, just to get the dizzy high. I loved roller coasters and tilt-a-ma-thingys. I rode bikes and horses as fast as they'd go just for that butterfly feeling in my stomach. I used to try to hold my breath until I passed out, but I never succeeded. I also never played the "choking game" that some kids played, but that was only because I never heard of it. I sniffed markers with my sister. I blew up balloons (major cool headrush). I picked fights with tough girls. And of course, once adolescence was in full swing, boys became a very precious high, one that was constantly sought and obsessed over.

So it should come as no real surprise to anyone that I would eventually turn to drugs to alter my consciousness.

When I was 17, I discovered my gateway drug. Mountain Dew.

At first, it was just one here and there, no big deal. But then they put a soda machine in the cafeteria. And then my drama class met in the cafeteria, too. I started drinking more and more. One before classes started. One at lunch. One after school. Then between classes. Then sneaking them IN classes. Before anyone knew it, I was doing at least a 6 pack a day. And loving every jittery, jumped up minute of it.

With all that caffeine and sugar racing through my heart, every cell vibrated. I could sit still and feel my body humming. My brain raced through thought and emotion, thrilling me and driving me to do, go, talk, laugh, shout! By the way, this is why I've never done cocaine. If this is how much I love the caffeine high, I would quite likely blow my brains out on coke, and manage to be a colossal annoying douche at the same time (which is what most cokeheads are).

But I digress. Drugs will do that to you, see?

It turns out that Mountain Dew was only the tip of the iceberg, though. Then I went to college and discovered coffee and Vivarin. Then alcohol. Cigarettes. Weed. Mushrooms. Acid. Ecstacy. The good Tylenol with codeine. Well, you get the idea.

What started my chemical romance was caffeine. And it is the one drug that I have never been able to stop. I've quit all the others (and cigarettes were a fucking BITCH -- twice!). I still drink now and then (shit, I live in Savannah), and I will definitely not pass on a doobie. But none of those matter. What I can't quit is the caffeine. Hell, I didn't even quit when I was pregnant and nursing. I just cut down to two cups of coffee a day and the occasional diet soda. I still have several cups of coffee every day. And green tea. And also black tea. And sometimes diet soda.

Sometimes I "dose myself down" (that is seriously how I put it) and get to where I'm just having one cup of green tea a day. But one day I'll pass a coffee shop and the smell will hit me and I'll find myself ordering the largest cup of coffee possible with a shot of espresso. And I'm back.

I'll probably never quit. No matter what other fun ways I try to get high and have fun in my life, I'll probably do caffeine every day until I die. Or my kidneys fall out. Do people need interventions for coffee?

I'm quitting here for now. It's getting late, and I've got to set up the coffee pot for tomorrow morning.