What do you mean, "What was that noise?"

Seriously, I thought it would be the queefing.

Of all the things that have changed about my body since having a baby, I was positive that the thing that would be guaranteed to embarrass the shit out of me in public at some point in the future would be the queefing.

You see, delivering a human through the vaginal canal changes its shape. This I knew, but it wasn't until doing yoga in my living room after Liam was born that I discovered how this would affect my life. When I executed a forward straddle fold, I felt a curious fhooping sensation in my vagina.

What the fuck was that?

I slowly rolled up from the pose, and air was pushed out my twat in a great honking queef. I collapsed in a pile of horrified laughter.

I composed myself and continued, and it didn't happen every time, but it would happen often enough and without warning. I was terrified of ever going to a public yoga class ever again. How could I? It's bad enough when people fall asleep and snore at the end when you're supposed to be meditating, but how about breathing deeply and then hearing a nice flapping queef from 2 feet away? Namaste!

But it wasn't the queefing.

My friends Jenny and Colleen have been bugging me to go to their yoga class with them, and finally, I caved in. Jenny promised that if we did straddle forward fold, she would develop a sudden coughing fit. I have such great friends.

The class went great. No queefing at all. So I went again yesterday.

We did the shoulder stand pose, which I was totally surprised that I could still do. I hoisted my big, cheesy ass up and propped it on my elbows. So far, so good. I lifted my legs slowly until I was practically upside down. That's when my belly slid down onto my tits. Which were already resting on my chin.

This rather surprised me, since I've mostly lost the baby weight, and my belly didn't look like this in the shoulder stand pose BEFORE Liam was born. But, hey, wow, I guess this is how my body has changed.

Just as I begin to make peace with my new (upside down) belly, the instructor tells us to take it from the shoulder stand to the plough, meaning: now that you're upside down, throw your legs back over your head until your feet touch the ground. Seriously.

And as I lower my feet and scrunch my body further into a ball, my boobs and belly roll clear up over my nose and mouth and suddenly, I'm being suffocated by my own giant tits.

I had to roll back up rather quickly just to take a breath. I tried to be cool, but the instructor saw me and became concerned that perhaps I was overdoing it and got dizzy. Then I had to explain what it really was to the class. It was pretty fucked up embarrassing to tell a roomful of limber women that I just choked on one of my enormous breasts.

I swear I thought it would be the queefing.

(PS I'm going back next week. Shit, why not?)