Happy New Year! Not that I give a shit, really. I'm not trying to kill anyone's buzz or anything, it's just not one of my favorite holidays.

I do love making resolutions, though. I love declaring things, generally speaking, so New Year's Resolutions are my kind of fun. This year, I resolve to lose weight and call my mother more.

Ha-ha, seriously.

This year, I have decided to make New Year's Resolutions that I am actually going to keep.

1. I will take more naps. I will go down for a nap immediately when my kid does after lunch. Fuck the dishes. Fuck the phone calls. Fuck getting high and reading comedy articles online at Cracked.com. I swear I shall sleep in the middle of the day, snuggled under blankets and at least one cat.

2. I will finally admit that I fucking hate to cook and hereby swear to avoid it at all costs. Unless I need to make my vegetarian chili with cornbread. And even then, I shall complain the entire time I make it. This I solemnly swear.

3. I will give up the last shreds of hope that I will ever have any sort of fashion sense. I will abandon myself to this truth and wear whatever the fuck I want. I already started. Yesterday, I wore the clothes I slept in the night before (which I'd gone to bed in after wearing all day the day before THAT). It was great. I didn't wear a bra and my hair looked like crows were nesting in it. This is just an example, of course.

4. I will stop apologizing for shit I don't mean. I've been wanting to give over to this one for a while now, and I've already been practicing. This encompasses everything from the little, everyday apologies like saying "I'm sorry" to people when they bump into me, to the big apologies like, "I'm sorry I called you an asshole and kicked your chair." I'm really not sorry for much that I do (though some of it I probably should be), so I'm going to stop saying it.

And finally, 5. I will enjoy myself as much as I possibly can. I am a hedonist. A pleasure seeker. A person of deep appetites. This year I will indulge in them all with no shame or fear.

I hope everyone reading this has a great year. Learn, play, make jokes and have fun. It is the key to living in the Monkeysphere. (If you don't get the last joke, read on at: http://www.cracked.com/article_14990_what-monkeysphere.html -- it's worth the read)