Buzzkill Mommy

I hate cartoon characters on children’s clothing. Mickey Mouse, Disney princesses, Cars, Thomas the Train, Yo Gabba Gabba, Dora, Diego, Spiderman, Batman, Scooby fucking Doo. These characters are everywhere. Not just T-shirts. Pants, hats, backpacks, socks, sunglasses, bedsheets, cheap plastic jewelry, pens, notebooks and even UNDERPANTS! Fucking underpants.

My husband brought home underpants for our 2 ½ year old son last night. They had Elmo and Super Grover on them. Uch. Really? I don’t mind my son having a familiarity with these characters. Like the characters in his books, they populate his consciousness and shape his little world. He learns their stories and their personalities and I like that part of it.

What I hate is how it seeps into every aspect of our lives. The Diego plate and cup set. The Wonder Pets silverware. Thomas toothpaste. Spiderman play chair. Pooh jammies. Mickey puzzles. These faces adorn all his toys and coloring books.

These drawings are poor substitutes for the real world, but they are made in such a way as to entice the young human, make him pay attention, want more. How can my son develop the patience it takes to watch a caterpillar emerge from a cocoon, or see the wonder in a sprouting seed, or feel the power in the changing seasons if his brain is being bombarded by brightly colored Disney advertising everywhere we go?

I’m only vaguely bothered by the fact that children are walking free advertisements for these companies. It does seem kind of wrong that no matter what I do to keep Barney out of my life, all it takes is one friend at storytime to show my kid his Barney T-shirt, and then every time he sees that bloated, purple face he’ll beg for whatever it is that asshole is selling: clothing, toys, candy, games, DVDs. Barney doesn’t care. He needs more money for the CEOs of the company that owns his ass.

Why is it so hard to find a plain T shirt for a 2 year old? Why do they all have Spongebob Fucking Squarepants on them? My mother-in-law sends boxes full of clothes to us all the time for The Boy, and most of them are attractive and wonderful (as well as totally appreciated). However, she tends to include one outfit that is just for Liam. In one box it was the overalls with the Superman logo (and matching embroidered bucket hat). Then it was the Spiderman jammies. Then the Spiderman shorts set with the light-up logo on the shirt. Then the Pooh jammies. I don’t make a big deal about it—it’s more of an eye-rolling situation, really. Plus, Liam always LOVES those awful things.

I guess that’s what really bothers me. The character crap is like junk food or drugs –the brightly animated, familiar characters stimulate his brain and create their own neural pathways and associations. Those things end up being his favorites, but they junk up his consciousness at a time when his brain is absorbing information like a sponge. I know he picks up a lot of it from the DVDs we get from the library, and during the cold days of winter I definitely let him spend too much time watching his DVD player while I showered, cooked, read, wrote, etc.

The good news is that Spring is almost officially here in south Georgia. The weather will be warming up for good soon, which means more work in the yard and garden, and more playing outside. More bike rides, trips to the beach, learning to swim and to fish. We'll be way too busy having real adventures to worry about what that bitch Dora is up to.