That's not funny.

It's official, kids: I am only slightly mentally ill. I'm sorry for those of you who had big money on something serious like Bi-Polar Disorder, but apparently just because I'm known to shout obscenities in the presence of children doesn't mean I have Tourette's Syndrome.

Depression is an ethereal enigma. If it's all in my mind, then how come I can't just decide to be happy? What the fuck?

I'll back up for those of you who just got here.

There have been periods in my adult life of frightening despair. Grief and anger so sharp and deep that I become an animal in a trap, ready to gnaw my own leg off to escape what I'm feeling. After awhile, these feelings recede and I am once again in love with my life.

What the hell? I mean, seriously, what the hell? The circumstances of my life during these periods are hardly earth-shattering. Sure, there have been affairs and divorces and friends betrayed (and betraying) and loved ones lost to death. But such is life. This is part of the drama of an ordinary existence, right? As important and life-changing as these things are, they hardly warrant the kind of mental and physical pain I find myself in from time to time.

Anyway, for reasons largely unknown, lately my brain has once again been subjecting me to all sorts of foul thoughts and evil feelings. I really have no reason to be depressed. I have a husband who is my best friend. I have a healthy, beautiful child. I have money for bills and groceries and clothes. I have an apartment full of nice furniture. I have a large, loving extended family and a TON of amazing friends.

So what the fuck is my problem?

My problem is that I am full of unpleasant feelings all the time. I hate everything. I'm irritated all the time. I feel unsatisfied by whatever I happen to be doing at the moment, AND I get annoyed just THINKING about what the day holds for me. I hate doing dishes. I hate cleaning house. I hate spending 2/3 of my day alone with a toddler who can't speak yet and still needs me for everything. I hate cooking. I hate paying bills. I hate even planning what I have to do today.

All of this leaves a very sour fucking taste in my mouth. It's exhausting to me to find everything in my life annoying. I'm tired all the time. I don't feel like taking my kid somewhere. I don't feel like writing. I don't feel like calling my sister. I don't feel like cleaning, but I also don't feel like relaxing in a filthy house.

The combination of pain and exhaustion leads me to drugs every time. I love drugs. They are the lazy person's enlightenment. Sure, I could meditate 15 minutes a day and exercise 45 minutes a day, and only eat whole, organic food but I'm fucking depressed and I just can't stay consistent with anything that isn't totally easy. And drugs are totally easy.

Lately, my self-medication regimen has been: alcohol, cannabis, junk food and caffeine. Since you can't do any of these ALL the time (and when I'm depressed, I'm depressed ALL the time), I rotate between the four.

1. Alcohol. Savannah is the drinkingest town I have ever lived in (and I went to high school in Germany!). It is socially acceptable to drink at any time of the day here (Mimosas or Bloody Marys for breakfast).

Pros: Alcohol gets you FUCKED UP! I love the loopiness, the pleasant flush, the total alteration of consciousness and mood.

Cons: I tend to get very clumsy. I also lose all motivation to do anything except drink more and eat salty things. It also makes me nauseated and headachy after awhile.

Bottom line: Because of the clumsiness and lack of mental organization, if it's just me and Liam I can't have more than one. After he's gone to bed for the night, though...

2. Cannabis. My personal favorite ever. It's touchy to talk about because our government has made the growth and ownership of this amazing plant illegal for some reason. And almost everyone has a bias one way or another about this herb. You either love it or hate it.

Pros: A feeling of euphoria that lasts for hours with no side effects.

Cons: Years ago, some ignorant fucktards made this plant illegal. Since I could lose my son over this one, and I love my son more than cannabis, my beloved herb has been forced to take a back seat in the last few years.

Bottom line: If this plant was legal, my backyard would be full of beautiful, flowering plants that smelled like heaven.

3. Junk food. This is the incarnation of my impulsive nature. Snickers bars, Paul Newman's peanut butter cups, baked Doritos, soft baked chocolate chip cookies, rice krispie treats -- all of it in a shiny, colorful package just waiting to be ripped open and consumed immediately. This is the epitome of my hedonistic nature. Tear open the paper of a 3 Musketeers bar and taste that nougat RIGHT NOW!!!

Pros: Sensations of sweet and creamy swirling around in my mouth chase all painful thoughts from my brain. Taste is such a powerful sense.

Cons: The high is over as soon as I swallow the last bite.

Bottom line: Of all the drugs I do, this one is the most expensive. Especially for such a momentary high. It's just too much cost for not enough payoff.

4. Caffeine. Surprisingly, this one will be the toughest to stop. Right now I drink 2-3 cups of coffee in the morning, then 2-5 caffeinated sodas throughout the afternoon. Sometimes, I make a pitcher of black or green iced tea, then drink the half gallon in one day.

Pros: Totally legal, socially acceptable and available EVERYWHERE. It's what keeps my house clean and my kid entertained.

Cons: Horribly destructive to the adrenal glands. More addictive than alcohol. Heavy use is more expensive than weed.

Bottom line: I know I'd have more real energy if I just detoxed from caffeine. This drug is not my favorite, really, so I'm surprised that I always have SUCH a hard time giving this one up.

OK, so those are my drugs of choice at this point in my life. At other times, there have been cigarettes and hallucinogens and other various ways to get high, but here's what I'm working with right now.

SO..... I got tired of feeling like shit and self-medicating all the time, and I went to see a counselor a few months ago. After meeting me, she suspected low thyroid function or Bi-Polar Disorder (I have a family history) and referred me to a medical doctor. The MD tested my thyroid and when the tests came back within normal limits, he sent me for a psychological evaluation. This morning was my follow up with the psychologist.

The results? I'm not Bi-Polar, but I'm probably clinically depressed.

The psychologist suggested Welbutrin, an anti-depressant, which my doctor should be able to prescribe. We agreed, however, that if I'm going to try a new drug, I should get off all my old ones.

So here we are.

My treatment plan: For the next two weeks, I will be taking my new drug while keeping track of my other drug use.

May 1: My wedding anniversary. This is my quit date for my Big Four. I've arranged for my mom to take my son for the whole weekend. My husband and I will spend the weekend alone, and I will not be doing my usual drugs. This gives me a few days to deal with any withdrawal symptoms (especially from the caffeine!!!).

My expectations: The Welbutrin will support my efforts to quit my other shit. Also, I've given myself a time limit for the anti-depressant. I'll do the legal drug (and quit all the others) until my birthday in August. My hope is by then my life will have gotten a grip on itself.

So there's my Not Funny blog. I've avoided writing lately because my sense of humor is down to nothing, and why post something if it's not funny? Why do anything if it's not funny? I mean, seriously.